I only date ugly men. After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the thrill of dating the dark, tall, and handsome prototype is not worth the trouble. Talk about a case of snap judgments and stereotyping, huh? Be that as it may, good looking men are good for only one thing: to look at. They confidently stroll in and out of rooms and smile constantly making sure you see their straight, just whitened teeth. Their hair is perfectly combed and they wear enough cologne to saturate a room. Women “oooh” and “aaah” in their presence as their egos grow monstrously like Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors. They thrive on the attention and never miss a chance to catch a reflecting glimpse of their stunning, freakishly overdeveloped biceps and borderline man-boobed chests. Ladies and interested gentlemen, run for your life. These guys are trouble.

First of all, you can’t be with someone who thinks they’re prettier than you. Period. It’s just not right for my guy to have more hair products and under eye lotion than me.

My friend set me up once with this guy she thought was absolutely “to die for.” I had my doubts, but I trusted (notice the past tense) her judgment. My date spent the entire night telling me all about his accomplishments, how his mother helped him develop his excellent sense of style, how a low-calorie diet will keep you looking young forever, and I believe I got a copy of his gym brochure in case I ever wanted to join. I have to say this was the textbook-case of: “Well, I think I’ve said more than enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?” I wanted the earth to open up and swallow him piece by piece while I malevolently pointed and laughed hysterically.

I don’t see why I have to put myself through this torture when there are oodles of average looking boys knocking at my door. They tend to be much more attentive and quite delighted to know all about my life. Plus, it’s a pet peeve of mine to not hear from someone when they said I would. I’ve come to the conclusion that a guy’s degree of good looks is negatively correlated to keeping their word. Good looking guy - not much of a chance you’ll hear from him. Average looking guy - will call the next day just to say “hi.”

That pleases me greatly.

Here is the million-dollar question: Does this mean I think every guy I’ve dated is ugly? Absolutely not. I’m not a masochist for goodness sake. They’ve all been sexy, sweet, and quite charming (at least for the first few dates). Yet, we’re no longer dating… Hhhmmm…Maybe I need to re-think my strategy... And that’s a whooooole other story.

I guess in conclusion to this fascinating piece of writing, I’m not trying to say there aren’t drop-dead, absolutely gorgeous men that are really, really good guys: Jason Taylor look-alikes who'd be happy to make French toasts for me on Sundays, or Bratt Pitt movie doubles who would be delighted love to rub my back for nothing but a kiss in return. Ahem, yes, I'm sure they're out there...

...I’ll let you know when I meet one.